tough day.

So just a quick check in with this. So I went to work and came back and have felt so emotionally and mental drained today. It's been hard. So my ex partner has her 30th Birthday coming up, but due to my alcoholism and lies we split up but I am feeling very guilty because she says she is worried it will be a bad birthday and she isn't doing much for it and it will be as disappointing as the others she used to have before me. I had made some nice plans when drunk, she didn't know this and doesn't want to now, so I just feel guilt.

I the didn't eat well today or drunk enough water, I had a lot of coffee and that's left me on edge today, I feel so drained! I have been told at aa the importance of taking care of yourself and your diet and making sure you feel full, I can't state how important this is to anyone!! 

Changes to my life Part 1

In the last 3 weeks I have had to come to some quite stark and shocking realisations about my self. I have always know about these, but the truth is when you are drunk you make excuses and push the can down the road another day before you confront them, unfortunately my cans have all rolled to the bottom of that hill and here I am, in recovery.

There are so many negative things I am coming to terms to, but in this first part I want to give some hope to those who are new like me to sobriety and the recovery. I'm no expert, Im 3 weeks in myself and everyones mental health and energy is different.

1. I stopped drinking, I saw the consequences of this and it sucked to be fair, everything about it was shit. 

2. I started my antidepressants again, this time for good. I stopped them because I convinced myself I was OK 8 months ago, but I wasn't, I was in denial and I convinced myself I didn't need them. I do and so does everyone who is an alcoholic at this stage. There is no shame in taking them, I avoided these for so long and if I had taken them sooner, maybe I could have stopped drinking and not caused as much damage to my life. I'm an idiot, just try them, ask your GP, call someone, speak to freinds and family, you'll be surprised how many people feel like you and don't want to admit they are week and need them, you aren't, get out of your head and on the phone!!

3. Got counciling, I've had good and bad sessions so far, it's always worth a shot, there are services that offer a pay what you can deal and also the NHS offer guidance too towards help.

4 I went for my first run in 3 year today! It felt good, I don't know why I stopped... Oh wait I was too drunk the next day!

5. I attended AA, I will go into more detail with this soon. I was surprised as I was always against this for being too culty and heard stories of it being too goddy, but it isn't, you make of it what you can, it's your journey. But detaching yourself from this actually helps, knowing there are people in the same situation as you and sharing their own stories and life has resinated so much in my alcoholism I have managed to relate. It's definitely worth trying a few different meeting too as they are all different.

6. Swapping numbers with other members and meeting people that I might actually be freinds for life with! Or until they relapse of their liver fails or they die of some other awful thing related to our wonderful existence!

7. Have decided to put myself first, I spent so much of my life thinking of others and putting them first or being over considerate. I have now put myself at the heart of my life and I need to recover to help myself and then if I can continue to help others!

I'm sure there are more little tweaks I have made like diet and sleep, but I will add that as we go. I think self care and self preservation is key at this stage though. 

Stay sober Dan x

The start of recovery

3 weeks and 1 day ago I begin what I hope to be a life changing decision and when I say hope, well it has to be, it's the good adverge of do or die, literally, there's nothing for me left any more. I hit rock bottom and some how I continued to fall deeper and deeper.

I woke on that Sunday morning at 4am, I had a dream about how bad my alcoholism is and I woke up crying, I cried in my dream, but I was actually doing it in real life. I that moment I decided to go onto Google and search to find out if there is a local Alcoholics Anonymous meeting near me, and low and behold there was one that evening. The week before the person who I thought the rest of my life would have been spent with did the right thing and ended our relationship due to my drinking and the mental effects it had on me and our relationship. My relationship with my children had been damaged and my finances are awful and I have technical been homeless since November 2022, my alcoholism is appalling and a string of other things, with courts, ccjs and just general bad managent of my life.

I could never understand why or how this has happened to me, I was confused as to how this once loving family man, who ran a business and was doing fairly OK in life had become this sorry state of existence. The only think that had change, was that I had started slipping back into my old ways of excessive drinking and not being responsible for the consequences I had caused. I didn't want to be like this, I wasn't, day to day I was caring, a completely different human being, but when I drank, I would have to spend the next few days apologising for my behaviour. 

I want to share my journey with you all, I want to be raw and honest about my life before and my progress. I have decided enough is enough and I can't hide or avoid my issues any more and I want to make amens for the damage to those around me. I hope you find it interesting, but most of all I want to give back and hopefully make a difference in someone else's life. 

I'll be adding bits about my previous life, the last 3 weeks journey and what I hope for the future. Plus all the notes and things I make day to day. I do hope some of you can relate to me on this and either get the help you need or have it help with your continued sobriety!!

Kind Regards Daniel